I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Me, in DM rooms…
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud