Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
You Might Also Like
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.