[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
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spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x