Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
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[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
I’m not proud