just leave it at the foot of the bed
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Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
🦝🔥🦝🔥
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
good work, detective
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.