where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
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my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Oh yeah that’s it
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?