Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
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how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
every. time.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: