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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
kids play hide and seek like
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Anime is real
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.