I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
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David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.