[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
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*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people