When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
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My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton