in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
You Might Also Like
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks