My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it