Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
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I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”