i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
You Might Also Like
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave