Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”