quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
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If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.