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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Is this you?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*