Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Ah yes. The three genders
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more