Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
one of
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!