God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
You Might Also Like
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.