No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
You Might Also Like
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”