When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
work smarter, not harder
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*