“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.