Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
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[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie