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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
It鈥檚 the weekend y鈥檃ll
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
I鈥檓 not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
馃槵
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Tough love is true love
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.