When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Generation gap…
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *