once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
just witnessed a drug deal