Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
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Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.