I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]