WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
You Might Also Like
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle