🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
You Might Also Like
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.