Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*