Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
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white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
goldfish mafia
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much