How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
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Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
excuse me
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Google assistant rules
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.