I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.