my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
You Might Also Like
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder