if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet