I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
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[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down