Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
You Might Also Like
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*