Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
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Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Phones down.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”