My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.