Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
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Marriage: When dating goes too far.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I’m giving up for Lent.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
When I can’t barge, I careen.