Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
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I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?