I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
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Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.