she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
When you can’t find your friend Neil