Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Perfection.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.