When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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My current situation
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If looks could kill
monday
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
oh shit
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.