Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing