I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.